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JE Jumonville Declares Victory
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Race
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| Contributor | *crickets chirp* |
| Last Edited | *crickets chirp* Oct 05, 2003 02:23am |
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| Category | Amusing |
| News Date | Sunday, October 5, 2003 06:00:00 AM UTC0:0 |
| Description | NEW ORLEANS -- Louisiana Gubernatorial Candidate J.E. Jumonville declared victory early Sunday morning over thirteenth place finisher John M. "Doc" Simoneaux. Jumonville holds a slight 83 vote lead over Simoneaux with over 99.8% of the precincts reporting.
The Louisiana Secretary of State shows that Jumonville has 3,433 votes to Simoneaux's 3,350.
"We have proved the naysayers wrong tonight," exclaimed the former State Senator to a room filled with a cheering fan. "Some may say that we did not accomplish what we set out to do, and that is become Governor of Louisiana...this time...but the public has resoundingly renounced the hardball politics of Mr. Richard McCoy and Fred 'Negative Pamphlet' Robertson."
Robertson was criticized in the campaign by his mother for going negative on Jumonville and Simoneaux, calling them both rapists and murderers. It was later revealed that there was no basis to the charges.
Quentin R. Brown, Jr. called earlier in the night to offer his congratulations of beating him for a seat in the top thirteen finishers. The Simoneaux camp, however, has yet to concede the election, insisting that there are enough fifth-tier leaning voters in the remaining precints to hand twelfth place to him.
When asked the key to his twelfth place finish, Jumonville didn't miss a beat. "It's no secret. The Jumonville coalition carried the day!" Political anaylsts describe the 'Jumonville coalition' as the candidate's immediate family, his neighbors, his family's physician, and those who intended to vote for a major candidate but pulled his lever through voter error.
Jumonville trails top primary finisher Bobby Jindal by a 32 to 0 percentage point margin. |
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