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"A comprehensive, collaborative elections resource."
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Help Julaine Appling find a husband
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| Contributor | Penguin |
| Last Edited | Penguin Aug 26, 2011 12:30am |
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| Category | Editorial |
| News Date | Thursday, August 25, 2011 06:00:00 AM UTC0:0 |
| Description | The following is an open letter to Julaine Appling, president of Wisconsin Family Action.
You’ve dedicated your life to promoting heterosexual marriage as the crowning pinnacle of civilization. Yet you have remained single.
Now, as a never-married, middle-aged woman, you are reduced to beginning speeches by claiming you are “straight.” How humiliating. If only you were married – like Marcus Bachmann, for instance – then you might rest above the uncharitable suspicions of filthy minds.
Of course, you’re not suspect merely because you’re single. People are inclined to make assumptions about women whose saunter is more John Wayne than Marilyn Monroe, whose voices are more Johnny Cash than Dolly Parton. We long for the day when humans are not subjected to such meaningless stereotyping. Unfortunately, due partly to the divisive efforts of people such as you, that day has not arrived.
Then there’s your “roommate” Diane, the unmarried woman with whom you have lived for so many years and purchased a home. This undoubtedly innocent relationship only fuels the vicious rumors about your sexual orientation.
We’ve decided to turn the other cheek on your opposition to our rights. We want to help you achieve the marital bliss that is your life’s obsession. OK, there is a self-serving angle to our offer: If you were happily married, maybe you’d leave us alone.
Frankly, we are surprised you haven’t found Mr. “Christian” Right already. You must meet countless heterosexual, pro-marriage, age-appropriate followers of Michele Bachmann who have lost their wives due to death, divorce or murder. Has none of these eligible gentlemen ever caught your eye? |
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